Good friendship is one of the most gratifying things in life, in fact a recent study in the journal of Personal Relationships show that close friendships correlate with good physical and emotional health. It’s a fact that when we feel loved and supported by good friends, that’s when we are the happiest and healthiest in life.
Yet sometimes we may struggle to have really satisfying friendships, or we wonder where the heck all of our friends went? In my life I have had many friends come and go; people change, interests change, you’re not the same as you were 10 years ago. The point is it’s totally normal to lose friends, that’s a part of life.
Nevertheless, how can you build friendships that stand the test of time, build you up, make you laugh, and keep you feeling loved? Check out these 5 traits that build strong lasting friendships!
Be a good listener.
This is seriously my pet peeve (and why I listed it first), good friendship requires being a good listener, you can’t do all the talking! Ask questions and truly LISTEN to the answers, let your friend vent their frustrations, fears, feelings, worries, and show your interest by nodding and maintaining eye contact.
While there speaking don’t be thinking of what you’re going to say next (trust me we’ve all done it), but stay present and genuinely interested in them. When they’re finished speaking don’t jump into a story about yourself, but stay focused on them by following it up with more questions to bring them out, this will show that you are genuinely interested and care about them.
Evaluate how good of a listener you are by asking yourself, how much do I know about my friend? What was their childhood like? How many siblings do they have? What are their biggest fears and worries? Do you know the answers? If not you may need to work on your listening skills =).
Be a giver, not a taker!
This is a big one and sadly theirs a lot of takers out there. You know who they are; you probably have some in your life whether it be friends or even family members. They’re always in need either emotionally or physically, and your relationship consists of you doing things for them. Don’t expect them to be there for you when you’re in need because they will disappoint you, big time. If you recognize this characteristic in others and hate it (like I do), don’t do this in your friendships! I once had a friend like this, and our friendship didn’t last beyond a year because I was tired of being used.
One of the definitions of “love” is: giving, and self-sacrifice. Think of friendship like a love exchange, in any relationship there should be equal amounts of giving and taking, but it has to be 50/50. What you put into the relationship, you get back. Anything less and someone in the relationship is being used.
You can have more than one best friend.
We’re not in elementary school anymore, so it’s totally okay to have more than one best friend. Even the bestest of friends should encourage you to make new friends, and try new things without them. As we age and diversify in our life, so do our friendships. I have several best friends, and I love them all for their own qualities, they fill a unique purpose in my life and I hope I reciprocate that for them.
A healthy friendship means you spend time apart, and you have your own identity without them. You would never get jealous or resentful that they were spending time with other friends, it’s important to do things separately, and this leads us to the next point.
Respect each other’s boundaries.
When you have a healthy friendship, everything feels right in the relationship for both parties involved. That means that neither friend is yearning for more time together, or being clingy towards the other. Good friends know where the boundaries lie, and don’t cross them.
It’s not too late to apply the boundaries; here are a few ways to do this:
- Respect your friends’ time! If you make a plan with a friend, be there and follow through, don’t leave them waiting at the coffee shop where you planned to meet, their time is valuable!
- You don’t have to tell your friends everything, and neither do they! You probably have certain friends that know every little secret about you, and others that don’t, and that’s totally okay! If a friend tries to pry and you don’t feel comfortable spilling the beans, be open, upfront (yet tactful), and explain that you don’t feel comfortable talking about it. Neither would you pressure a friend to tell you something they’re not comfortable with.
- Reevaluate friendships where you feel used! Speaking of the so-called friends that emotionally and physically exhaust you, if you’re the one always giving in the relationship, it might be time to reevaluate the friendship to determine how much value it’s adding to your life.
- Respect their differences! Your friend isn’t going to be a carbon copy of you, after all that would be no fun, so respect their differences and beliefs.
Trust each other.
Loyalty is hard to come by in the world we live in today, but it’s one of the most important requirements for a healthy friendship. In the past I’ve learned this one the hard way, and unfortunately have lost friendships over it, yet you live and you learn to become a better person.
An important way to show loyalty is by reigning in your tongue. If you’re a loyal friend you won’t talk behind your friends back by telling others their secrets, or stories without their permission. When you have trust in your relationship, you feel comfortable sharing your feelings and secrets because you know your friend won’t gossip about it, or throw it back in your face.
When speaking about my friends to others, I always imagine that they are there with me while I’m talking about them. I ask myself, would I say this straight to their face? Or would they be okay with what I said if it was repeated to them later? This keeps me in check, and reminds me of my unconditional loyalty to them.
Want to learn more about making stronger more meaningful friendships? Check out Frientimacy, this awesome book lays out strategies for creating deeper more supportive friendships.
